THIS morning my computer announced, ‘You HAD mail,’ and then laughed like a dope fiend in a 1940’s anti-drug movie.
Had mail? Sure enough, my mail had vanished. All of it. My get-rich-quick offers, my unsolicited offers for pre-approved credit cards, my chain-letters claiming that Bill Gates and Walt Disney will give me big bucks for sending the chain on to my gullible friends. Even the mail I get from porno sites asking me if I wanted a good time.
Gone.
I don’t know how I can survive without my backlog of daily reminders from the Pickled Radishes Society, telling me about the health benefit of pickled radishes. I need them to sort my spam into nice little one-day bundles. Without them, how can I tell today’s copy of the dancing baby from yesterday’s and the day’s before?
Now I can’t get my ink-jet cartridges refilled and my organs enlarged. (Or was that cartridges enlarged and organs filled?) Where am I going to get my long distance service from? What is life going to be like without the money I was going to make by investing in all of those guaranteed stock offers?
I don’t know how it happened. It must be some kind of evil plot against charitable causes and cuddly endangered animals. I was really going to donate to the ‘Save The Deer Tick’ foundation, but now I don’t have their address. Sorry American Spleen Association, can’t donate to you either. And was that the Society for Prevention of Cruelty to Splinters or Sphinxes? Sphincters? I can’t remember. Don’t want to accidently send my extra money to the wrong people, now do I?
I worked hard all last year collecting this e-mail. I subscribed to mailing lists. I included my e-mail address on untold numbers of newsgroup postings. I responded carefully to every e-mail’s fake address, telling them to please send me more.
I even bought a 200 gig hard drive to hold it all. It was brimming full of mail messages from all sorts of people I’d never heard of. They wanted to be my friends. They wanted me to share their generosity with everyone I knew. They wanted my money. It’s nice to be wanted.
But now it’s gone. Erased. Evaporated into some invisible virtual computer buffer, never to return. I shudder just thinking of all of the innocent electrons killed in this mass extinction of e-mail. It looks like I’ll have to start over again.
I don’t know how I’m going to tell my fiance that I’ve lost all of the spam I stocked up on to prepare for dire emergencies…
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