I’ve always been called a good listener. People I barely know feel comfortable sharing intimate details with me, and I am always honored by that. Most recently though, I have wondered what it is about my listening style that engages people so quickly and effortlessly. I’ve never thought of myself as being particularly talented in this area, but have grown to accept that I possess some natural skills and some learned ones that facilitate my ability to communicate more effectively with others.
Why do we find ourselves sharing so much with some people and sharing nothing with others? What is that common ingredient that allows us to be confident in this choice? What messages are being sent or received to engage our openness?
During a seminar on negotiation I attended last year, the instructor informed us that while we speak at 25-30 words per minute, we have the ability to listen at 500 words per minute. Amazing! No wonder most of us screen out or misinterpret 70 percent of what is said to us. And yet, as human beings, we have this crucial need to be heard.
Hearing is the ability to perceive sound. That’s it. We hear millions of sounds every day from a multitude of sources. How did we know that was a car horn? A train whistle? A baby crying? It is through our ability to take notice of and understand these sounds that we excel in our listening skillsthat we connect with others and our surrounding environment.
Living in Austin, the bat capitol of the world, I have taken a distinct interest in these creatures. For the sake of time and relevant content, I’ll share my knowledge of just one category of bats with you, Microbats. Microbats use an advanced sonar system called echolocation to navigate. This means that the bat sends out short, high frequency sound pulses that are too high pitched for the human ear. These sound waves spread out in front of the bat and when the waves hit an object, the sound bounces back in the form of an echo. Using this sonar, bats are able to determine the distance, direction, speed, and sometimes even the size of the object in front of them.
Can you imagine a bat misinterpreting 70 percent of what it hears? We’d have broken bat bodies all over the place! The Microbats have learned what we have not. It is the interpretation of what we hear that is critical, not the sounds themselves.
Misdirection
There are many reasons why we miss 70 percent of what is being said to us. I believe the most important reason is because we’re all on overload. We all have 168 hours in each week. Some of us choose to fill that time so completely that we simply don’t have the energy to accept any information that does not directly apply to us. In this instance our ability to “screen” information for relevancy becomes critical. If you’ve ever missed an important event because of “screening” you can understand how damaging the use of this tool can be.
The second most important reason we miss so much information is a skill that is used during the screening process and also one that guides us very well in all other aspects of our lives. It’s “judgment”.
Here are some of the ways that “judgment” works against us in a listening environment:
1. If the speaker is unclear, ineffective, or difficult to understand for cultural or physical reasons, we assume the information is not valuable and choose not to focus on the message.
2. If we do not like the speaker, the message is tainted with our personal opinion of the value of that person. If that person is not valuable, how can anything they have to say be important?
3. If the speaker himself or herself is expressing a specific tone or attitude that we find distracting or uncomfortable, we will focus more on our feelings around that tone or attitude than on the message itself.
4. If we believe the true message purpose to be different from the context of the message itself, we are less like to stay tuned in to that speaker as our mind is frantically utilizing that time to determine what’s really going on.
5. If the speaker’s body language or voice tone is giving us cues that do not align with his or her message, our mind begins searching for a way to connect the verbal cues with the physical ones. If we cannot find one, we will focus on the discrepancies, drowning out the message.
The third most important reason that we don’t listen well is our own ego, “If it’s not about me, it’s not important.” When we have this perception, we focus on those things we can fix (to make ourselves feel good), change (to prove our value), or accept as an invitation to turn the conversation back to us. How many times have you missed part of a conversation because you were already in the process of creating your response?
By focusing on our purpose for being part of the conversation, we can establish a motivation for listening and create the behavior necessary to clearly understand the message of the speaker. Better communication starts with our ability to comprehend messages sent to us. Stephen Covey, in his book, 7 Habits of Highly Successful People, makes listening the 5th habit when he asks that we “Seek First to Understand, Then to be Understood”.
Redirection
Inscape Publishing Company offers a Personal Listening Profile for individuals who want to develop effective listening strategies. They identify five listening approaches. Two of these are feeling oriented, and are identified as Appreciative and Empathetic. The other three are fact oriented, and are identified as Comprehensive, Discerning, and Evaluative.
Each of us regularly utilizes all of these five approaches. To effectively use each approach we need to understand the best environment, the focus, the motivation, and our behavioral responses.
Since most of us consider a social get together with close friends, to be a pleasurable event, we will use Appreciative Listening. Our focus is to relax and enjoy the experience. We may be motivated to listen for inspiration, entertainment, or humor. We pay attention to how the messages are being sent. Because we enjoy our friends, we believe what they are telling us and find humor in their messages. We relax. We laugh. What we remember most about these conversations is the pleasure we received from them.
Now let’s say that one of those friends meets us for lunch the next day and expresses concern over a personal problem. Our focus now changes to supporting our friend as he or she talks through the concerns and our listening approach becomes Empathetic. We now listen for the feeling and emotions behind the message. Remaining relatively silent gives our friend the opportunity to get it all out. Through body language, eye contact, and brief verbal cues (I’m with you, I follow you, etc.), we show interest and let our friend know we truly care for and support him or her. What we remember most about this conversation is the emotions and feelings. What our friend remembers is unconditional support and acceptance.
While Appreciative and Empathetic listening are used primarily in social situations, our ability to integrate them into our work environment enhances our communication effectiveness there. In addition, we need to understand the three fact-oriented listening approaches.
During a meeting where we are given instructions on how to complete a task or achieve a goal, we may use Comprehensive listening to determine what to do. We focus on making sense of what is being told to us. We do this by relating the message to our own personal experiences. We listen for the main idea and supporting ideas to determine the rationale of the speaker’s message. We seek to relate all the ideas together for better clarification. We ask questions or elaborate on what has been said in an effort to gain a clear understanding. We may bring up related issues or explain the message to others, further increasing our clarity. Before the meeting is over, we will summarize the key points and get agreement.
Discerning listening is another approach that could be used during that same meeting if we are intent on learning or gathering information. We focus on getting complete information so that nothing is missed. We concentrate on what is being said and may tune out distractions. We will sort out details to determine the main message and use our judgment to decide what is and is not important. One of the key distinctions between Comprehensive and Discerning is that the Discerning approach typically involves note taking. Everything is written down so there is no misunderstanding, and decisions are made based on the written word. We may ask for clarification or repeat information from our notes to confirm their accuracy.
When we are in a group environment where a decision must be made, we will use Evaluative Listening. This could be a social environment where we’re planning a group trip or a professional environment where we’re making a team decision. Our focus is to make a decision based on the information provided. We will look for facts to support the speaker’s message and not accept the message as true until we can confirm it ourselves. We may find ourselves mentally arguing with the speaker, mistrusting the speaker if they are overly enthused, or even stopping our listening process if we don’t like what the speaker is saying. We base these decisions on our own personal beliefs and question the sender’s motives in search of factual support. We will actively become involved in the discussion through agreement or disagreement. We will choose when and how we respond very carefully and give advice to the speaker before throwing up our hands and announcing we’re done.
Each of these approaches serves us well. Our attitude and perceptions about messages and speakers will many times dictate our listening approach unconsciously. The effective listener is one who is aware of and skilled at assimilating all these approaches into their conversations to enhance their understanding and clarity of the message. Effective listeners do this through Active listening skills such as Reflective and Intuitive Listening.
Right Direction
Many people incorrectly assume that listening is a one-way process, such as, while the speaker is sending the message, we, as good listeners must accept it. The truth is that listening is not blindly following what we hear, but rather taking an active role in the process. Active listening involves all of the approaches above at the appropriate time and is a two-way process.
Active listening involves restating what the person has said, asking questions to clarify, or taking notes. We are generally interested in the message as well as the thoughts and feelings behind it. Active listening involves our whole bodies, our minds, and our hearts. Through Active listening we may reflect the message back to the speaker or we may use our intuition to draw out more information or feelings.
Reflective listening involves our ability to clarify and restate what the other person is saying. We may utilize Comprehensive, Discerning, and Empathetic approaches. The benefits for us are increased understanding of the speaker’s message. The benefits for the speaker are greater thought clarity and reassurance of their value as well as the value of their message.
Reflective listening does not involve our own personal agenda. It does not require us to solve the problem, state our own beliefs, or ask questions. It is simply an effective skill to achieve greater understanding.
Reflective listening requires that we listen more than we talk. When we do speak, we will use full or hanging statements to restate or clarify what the speaker has said, not just in words, but in feelings as well. Two examples of reflective listening are:
Full Statement
Sarah: “I just can’t seem to get everything done. I feel like I’m always behind and my to-do list is getting longer and longer. Last night I even dreamed it was chasing me!”
Tom: “Sarah, it sounds like you’re very frustrated.”
Sarah: “Frustrated doesn’t even begin to describe it. I’m exhausted!”
Hanging Statement
Sarah: “I just can’t seem to get everything done. I feel like I’m always behind and my to-do list is getting longer and longer. Last night I even dreamed it was chasing me!”
Tom: “Chasing you?”
Sarah: “Yes! It was awful. I woke up even more exhausted than I was when I went to bed!”
By using either the full or hanging statement, Tom addressed Sarah’s feelings and got further clarification. If Tom had responded with “Let me see the list,” or “You always over commit,” the communication would have broken down right there. To continue his discussion, Tom may choose an empathetic approach, continue with his reflective style, or shift to intuitive.
Reflective listening encourages the speaker to go into more depth than he or she would normally. Many of us are oral processors, which means that we solve our problems by talking through them. We’re not seeking a problem solver, but an active listener who allows us to work it through ourselves. An Empathetic listener with well-honed Reflective listening skills will be viewed as the ultimate problem solver and never have to solve a problem!
Reflective listening provides the foundation for an open and trusting relationship. It is the single, most effective skill in building communication, enhancing understanding, and supporting others.
Intuitive listening is the ability to hear with your heart. When we listen intuitively, we are able to discern the real message, the true feelings, and the essence of who someone is. Listening intuitively requires an absence of judgment. It requires an open mind, unconditional acceptance, and the confidence to go deeper. When we listen intuitively we are solely focused on the speaker.
Intuitive listening takes practice. It requires that we temporarily subdue our own feelings and emotions, our own thoughts and beliefs, our own hopes, expectations, wants, or needs. Intuitive listening does not require that we agree completely with the speaker or their message, nor does it require that we invalidate our own thoughts, beliefs, and feelings. It does require that we be empathetic and nonjudgmental.
Let’s take another look at Tom & Sarah’s conversation from an Intuitive listening viewpoint.
Sarah: “I just can’t seem to get everything done. I feel like I’m always behind and my to-do list is getting longer and longer. Last night I even dreamed it was chasing me!”
Tom: “Sarah, what’s really upsetting you?”
Sarah: “Well, my mom is in the hospital and I’m trying to take care of all my stuff as well as hers.”
OR
Sarah: “I just can’t seem to get everything done. I feel like I’m always behind and my to-do list is getting longer and longer. Last night I even dreamed it was chasing me!”
Tom: “Thanks for sharing that with me. Tell me more.”
Sarah: “I’ve added a lot of responsibility to myself since my mom’s been sick, and”
Notice how Tom was able to get Sarah to open up even more by trusting his intuition that there was more to her frustration than she was letting on.
Intuitive listening is not therapy. It’s the ability to be open and honest with others and to encourage them to be open and honest with us. It allows us to create connections, to interpret the true message, and to learn. By asking specific questions that are focused on the speaker, we get to the heart of the matter quickly and effectively.
Summary
So what is listening? It’s the ability to be totally present in the moment. To:
Listening requires appreciation for the message. It requires empathy for the speaker. It is not a one-way street. By taking notes, asking questions, and reflecting messages back we are able to improve our communications and enhance our understanding.
Why do we find ourselves sharing so much with some people and sharing nothing with others? Because these people have learned how to be empathetic and active listeners.
What is that common ingredient that allows us to be confident in this choice? Our intuition. Trusting the feeling we get when someone takes a real interest in our message allows us to feel comfortable sharing more.
What messages are being sent or received to engage our openness? Unconditional acceptance, support, and empathy.
If you want others to take an interest in you, to accept you, to support you, and to understand you, “Seek First to Understand, Then to Be Understood”.
Susan Franzen is founder of LifeU Coaching Servies and holds a Bachelor’s Degree in Business Administration as well as a Training & Development Certificate from Boston University. Susan coaches individuals and business owners to align their activities with their vision. Visit www.lifeu.com for more information.
