Thursday, July 25, 2024

So You Want To Be The Pope…or a Newsletter Editor

You think that’s a silly title, huh? It’s not – there are plenty of similarities. You just haven’t thought of them. Yet.

Well, it’s a new year and that’s why I’m here. To point them out. Let’s take look.

Popes get to listen to everyone’s complaints. Newsletter editors get to listen to everyone complaining about them.

Popes get to pray for the masses. Newsletter editors get to pray for the masses, too. Except they are praying for strength not to go postal against all those mass complainers they are praying for.

Popes get adulation in waves and waves. Newsletter editors get it, too, when they overlook the missed deadline and fix the misspellings. Otherwise, they get crucified – in waves and waves.

Popes are hailed as Leaders when they ask people to follow the rules. Newsletter editors are called persnickety and other choice names when they ask people to follow the rules.

Popes get to work in clothes that easily cost a good $5,000 a pop. And somehow they never seem to get dirty (even when wearing those white-on-white ensembles).

Newsletter editors get to work in their underwear, pj’s or jeans and a half-way decent shirt. Total cost: $12.50 plus tax. By the end of the day, their clothes look like the mess they are.

Popes issue benedictions to those who might have trouble with comprehension. Newsletter editors pray for their own souls as they consider issuing curses to people who can’t understand what “3 lines + URL” means.

They, the editors, can’t figure out how all these folks can turn 3 lines + URL into 7 lines + URL, + your name + phone + email address + Mom’s website, just in case.

Popes don’t need to ask for subscribers. Families sign ’em up. Newsletter editors ask for subscribers and usually give a considerate “mailto” address to make it easy. It’s usually ignored in favor of the “comments and feedback” address.

Popes send you off with a kiss or hug and a wave and are considered saints. Newsletter editors send off your carefully- worded ad to thousands of potentials. They’re considered just doing their job. “Whadda they want – a cover on Time Magazine?”

Popes travel all over the world. Newsletter editors travel, too – from their computer to the printer to the bathroom to the kitchen and back. Maybe they should get more creative with wallpaper.

Popes get the chance to really reach out and touch someone. Seemingly free. Newsletter editors get to reach out, too – for their email address book. South Africa’s only a few minutes away and it’s a good thing because nobody’s paying for any trip.

If someone wants to leave the church, they just go. If someone wants to leave a newsletter they also just go, but not before a detailed explanation of why you are the dumbest, most arrogant, superficial, lame-brained ignoramus they’ve ever encountered.

And, oh yeah, don’t even THINK about contacting them again.

Popes get to deal with their religious order of the universe and are worshipped by millions. Newsletter editors get to deal with every known religious order known to man plus several that are works-in-progress. None of whom worship them.

Now, I do not want to discourage any would-be newsletter editors, so allow me to provide a distinct advantage they have over the Popes of the world.

If the Newsletter editor decides to pack it in, they can. If they want to stay because in spite of the insanity they love it, they go for it. The choice is theirs and theirs alone. Ever hear of a Pope making that kind of one-on-one decision?

And you ask why everyone doesn’t want a newsletter of their own, you silly goose, you.

Author, Sam Knight heads an Affordable Ad Writing Service, “The Write Place”, is editor/publisher of “BOOMER BRIGADE!” Newsletter, and partners with a company that offers Low-Cost Quality Computer Systems with a no credit check/no interest accrual Lay-a-way Plan

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