Save your judgments, o cultural elitists, as the holidays descend upon us once again and the masses search, in real, true harmony, for their true hearts’ desires: consuming mass quantities and dishing the dirt.
Soul-searching, intrinsic truths, and greater meaning are all so 19th Century. So don’t bleed your heart out all over these telling results. Once December’s over, the American Searcher will return to what really counts: the latest Hollywood starlets.
Last week, search queries belonged to Michael Richards, a.k.a. Kramer, the spillover of a semi-psychotic rant about a pair of African-American hecklers – a smacking reminder that we may not be as progressed as we pretend we are.
Richards is the number one query despite all the TV and radio coverage, because the only thing more sublime than watching a career sink is watching him try to get his fat foot out of his narrow head.
Speaking of feet (and hands) in mouths, Rosie O’Donnell’s daytime silliness helped lift Kelly Ripa into the top ten (no. 8). There’s no sign of Clay Aiken, though, who was the real cause of the germophobia-turned-homophobia.
But don’t worry, Clay Aiken fans, he always turns up like a bad, Manilow-esque penny – like at the American Music Awards, which came in at number ten.
When searchers weren’t feeding their own disgust (or, sadly, delight), or finding more inventive ways to feed their faces (turkey and green bean casserole were numbers 7 and 9), they were looking for the best ways to feed their credit card debts.
Variations on Black Friday (no. 2) were followed by searches for Circuit City (4) and Best Buy (5), where more megapixels and more French-sounding Japanese game consoles (Wii, no. 6) added just the right amount of weight to a shopping bag.
In simpler, more poetic terms, the top Google.com search gainers were as follows:
1. michael richards/kramer
2. black friday/black friday deals/black friday sales
3. thanksgiving
4. circuit city
5. best buy
6. wii
7. turkey
8. kelly ripa
9. green bean casserole
10. american music awards
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