A hardened Martha Stewart, steely-eyed and fabulously fashionable, sat down for a tell-all interview with Vanity Fair, detailing life in “lockdown.” “I smuggled out some pods (of gingko), and they are trees already,” she said with a satisfied sniff.
“M Diddy,” as she is known to her peeps at “Camp Cupcake” minimum security prison in Alderson, West Virginia, is looking forward to the end of her five-month house arrest next month. The electronic anklet chafes.
“I watched them put it on. You can figure out how to get it off,” she nodded. “It’s on the Internet. I looked it up.”
Her publicist’s eyes “widened with alarm” at that moment. Man, she’s a handful, alright.
Being a convict can’t hold her back, either. As soon as her sentence is up, Stewart will be launching two new television shows-a one-hour talk show, “Martha,” and a made-over version of NBC’s “The Apprentice.”
Stewart says she won’t put it up with any pansy-pants “you’re fired” nonsense, though. She’ll be adding her own hard core kill shot, straight from mo-foin’ pen.
“We are trying to come up with other ways to say it. For instance, if someone is from Idaho, I could say, `You’re back in Boise for apple-picking time.”‘
Snap! That’s cold, M Diddy! She ain’t playin’, apple picker.
“She didn’t mind it. She had a big thing tied around her head,” related M Diddy, who named her dog after the former bunk buddy.
“I just want her to know that I think about her,” she said.
Um, that’s a little creepy.
During the interview, Martha laughed at Comedy Central’s Jon Stewart for saying she could make a shiv out of a lamb shank. Lonely and thoughtful penitentiary nights came flooding back as she thought of it.
“He was talking about me after I left, and, I have to say, Jon Stewart is even better looking in person than he is on TV,” she giggled. “I have such a crush on him.”
She raised up a sleeve to reveal a very tasteful tattoo that read, “Jon.”
