All the fake “free” email offers slipping through my junkmail filter are starting to test my patience. Not because they slip through, but because the emails themselves just beg not to be taken seriously. When will the senders recognize the universal truth: If you’re going to use the word free, for heaven’s sake mean what you say.
Here’s an email that cuts to the chase. Huge, bold, HTML yells, “Free Big Bertha Calloway Fusion Irons – for details, click here.” It doesn’t come any clearer than that. (I’m not a golfer, but what the heck, I’m not about to look a gift-iron in the mouth.)
The clickable email takes me to a website where the “free” in “free Big Bertha” is explained. “Join our product test panel and receive at least 3 products to evaluate within your first 90 days GUARANTEED! Input your zip code to see if we are recruiting members in your area.” Well, my zip code isn’t a secret, so I “input” it.
Then up comes the usual:
“CONGRATULATIONS! You are in a high demand area. Special offer for residents of Santa Cruz, CA. Act now and this Sony Vaio Laptop will be added to your Fusion Irons because you are in a high demand area.” (Wow! That’s more like it – with a “free” laptop I’ll be able to browse the Web while I’m learning to tee off.)
Of course, we all know what happens next. Up comes, “Please provide your details below” and a whole load of questions follow. Do I want free ring tones with my cell phone? Am I healthy and over 24? Would I like to receive an Affordable and Competitive Health Insurance Quote? Do I have more than $10k in debt and want to Legally eliminate my financial burdens? Do I want to apply Free for a lower mortgage rate or debt consolidation? Do I own a DVD player? (Depends on whether I have a television or not, I suppose?) Do I have a dog or cat? Do I wish to be more proficient in different computer programs? (Heck, yes.) Have I tried dieting in the last 6 months? (Now that’s more like it – targeting). Am I interested in degree programs for working adults?
Well, you get the idea. On and on it goes – adding new offers every time I click “No”. Until it goes round in a loop and expands on the offers above: Do I want a free cell phone? Do I want to train for a new career? Do I want to find the right mortgage? Sigh. All I want is my free Big Bertha golf irons!
Finally, after my disappointment is weighing down my clicking finger I reach my destination page.
“Congratulations! A set of Big Bertha golfing irons – reserved for Julia Hyde – Santa Cruz, CA. To qualify please start by completing** any two of the top offers listed below.
Arrrgh! But I’d been waiting for the asterisks, and I’m rarely disappointed. Way down at the bottom in tiny, tiny print, is the anticipated, “Free isn’t quite so free after all,” statement.
“*Pursuant to the terms and conditions, you are required to complete two of the offers from above (Blockbuster trial – purchase required, Ink Boulevard offer – $30 purchase required, a free trial to AOL Music Network). You will need to meet all of the terms and conditions to qualify for the shipment of the gift.”
“** For credit card offers, you must activate your card by making a purchase, transferring a balance, or making a cash advance.” (Did I miss the question asking me whether I wanted a free credit card?)
I’ve singled out just one of these phony “free” email promotions, but they’re everywhere. Infiltrating our email boxes and wasting our time offering unclaimed $25,000 prizes, guaranteeing to help us drop weight while we sleep, and getting us better jobs, better salaries, better lives.
But it does make me wonder about what would happen if the companies sending out these offers took a few moments to consider what their results would be if they targeted their mailings and offered a true deal – one that doesn’t make their potential customer jump through hoops to take them up on their offer.
Companies practicing email marketing to promote their products or services need to get their act together and become a trusted, targeted information resource for beleaguered consumers. It’s bad enough that we have to deal with unsolicited offers on a daily basis (the average person receives 308 unsolicited emails per week) but the least these companies can do is stop trying to pull the wool over our already jaded eyes.
Julia Hyde is an advertising copywriter and consultant specializing in search engine optimization, search engine marketing, and traditional advertising. She currently creates advertising concepts and copy for businesses and is in the process of launching Creative Search Media, a full-service advertising and search engine marketing agency. You can contact Julia via her website at www.juliahyde.com or email Julia@juliahyde.com
