Susan,
Work holiday parties are a time when I often find myself pulling my foot out of my mouth – that’s why I dread them – and why I study EQ.
For the last party, I prepared by creating a game: I would try to find out the most important thing going on in the lives of each person I would come in contact with and let them talk most of the time. It worked well for the most part, but the day after I had a “social anxiety hangover” when I realized that I was guilty of a few “faux pas”: (Note that I avoided alcohol the entire evening)
Although I seriously doubt that many will discuss my behavior, I do worry about the affect it will have on my relationships with these people in the future. I’ve already received some negative feedback.
I did ask a friend to “give me a sign” if I was talking too much or seemed to be boring anyone. She gave me a sign a couple of times, but wasn’t with me the entire party. I paid special attention to signs such as people looking at their watches or body language that shows impatience.
How might one prepare, and make the best impression at work parties while mingling with people you do and don’t know you? How might one deal with others who aren’t EQ experts themselves but don’t realize it: those who talk too much, discuss inappropriate subjects, brag etc.
D.
Dear D,
A timely topic the office Christmas party! Let me see if I can give you some specific pointers.
These things that I’ll list are treating the symptoms. Keep working on your EQ so you’ll gain confidence. That’s the “cure”.
Before the event think positive thoughts. Every time you rehearse an event with emotion, you’re predicting it, because our brains don’t know the difference between reality and fantasy; past or future. Each time you “dread” it, you’re attracting that to happen in reality. The stronger will be the bonds between “Office party” and “I can’t”
This is so simple most people ignore it, but I’m serious when I say – set your mental state. Go over affirmations such as “I’m good at parties,” and “I have a good time at parties.” Why? Because otherwise you’ll be saying “I hate I’m nervousI’m inept,” none of which will do you any good.
If you can’t get to “I’m good at”, then try “eggs are white and grapes are purple.” ANYTHING is better than what’s currently in there!!
Before you go, practice relaxation techniques – meditation, yoga, running a mile, taking a nap. These will clear your thoughts, and get rid of toxic emotions. Then you can start with a clear playing field.
Figure out what to do with your hands! Practice your smile, handshake and just standing there in a mirror.
Remember that two emotions can’t fill the same space at the same time. If you’re breathing deeply before you start speaking, chances are your voice won’t quiver.
Make a mental list of topics which can comfortably fill airspace. You don’t want to babble on, clam up, or talk about yourself because you’re uncomfortable.
It can’t be said enough that most people long to talk about themselves. Come up with some open-ended questions such as “Do you have company coming for the holidays?” or “What are your plans for Christmas?”
Most company office parties are long-term traditions; you can always talk about last year’s compared to this year’s. Queries about the food and entertainment work – “What do you think is in the quiche that makes it so” or “Wonder why they chose a C&W band this year? What was it last year, I can’t remember?”
We’re led to believe that open-ended questions (ones that can’t be answered with “yes” or “no) are magic, and they are not. You have your skills, and so does the person you’re initiating conversation with. If there’s a lapse, have a nudge, for instance:
YOU: “What are your plans for Christmas?”
THEY: “Going to my mother’s.” Silence.
Take it up a notch
YOU: “So does everyone bring something, or does she do the whole thing?”
Use conversation leads.
YOU: “Boy I bet things are hopping in your department right now.” (when you know they are)
THEY: Yes.
Kick it up a notch
“Have they brought in temps?” or “So does Bill help out or are you?” or “How do you manage all that extra work down there?”
Keep going until something clicks and they start talking. If not, “it isn’t all about you.” Bear in mind there are other people at the event who have their own reasons for not being good conversationalists.
Make a split- emotional and factual folks. Emotional folks will be pretty eager to talk. Factual folks tend to talk, then listen, and are harder to kickstart. “How” and How to” questions work with factual folks. Ask the question and then be prepared to listen. You may be bored, but they won’t! And of course you may learn something very important if you ask the right question!
If there’s an opportunity to take on a “job,” grab it. Someone has to register people and make out name tags, someone may need to pass hors d’oeuvres. Volunteer to sit at the greeting table. It’s saved the life of many an introvert!
Keep your negative fantasies at bay. One client told me she “bored someone by talking about” The general modus operandi at such an event is to talk lightly and then move on. You could be talking about the most intriguing thing on earth, and the other person would still “move on.” Generally speaking it isn’t a time for lengthy one-on-one conversations.
Christmas being an emotional time, and there being spirits available, people will be in various states of equilibrium. Not letting someone “spill” is a good rule of thumb. If your manager happens to be dead drunk and starts to tell you about their abusive husband, you don’t want to let this continue. Here’s one thing (of many) you can do. Remaining pleasant, relaxed and superficial (you don’t want to encourage this to go on), say, “Yeah, things sure do kick up at the holidays don’t they? Hang tough,” and then suddenly see a need to refill your glass, or notice how absolutely marvelous her Christmas pin is and find out where she got it!
Keep your sense of humor. If you make a gaf, laugh with the others. About the salad #1, Why would you feel bad about it? #2, What to say? Something like (lightly) “Or maybe not,” or “Guess the croutons weren’t the most popular part of it,” or “On the other hand you wouldn’t want to take THIS home.” Laugh and move on.
If it’s not your forte, sidle up to a large group that’s talking happily and blend. Laugh when they laugh, say “Oh no” when they say “Oh no.” Don’t feel you have to say anything. They’re doing just fine on their own.
Don’t try to break into a group of 2 or 3 people engaged in intense conversation.
Be aware of nonverbal signals, but don’t over-exaggerate their importance. The person who appears restless in your presence and sneaking a peek at their watch could be bored with you, but they could also
Don’t always be fantasizing something negative involving YOU. Use your learned optimism (an EQ competency). If you must form a judgment in your mind, make it a positive one. Choose the possible reason that’s the most affirming of you, i.e., “He’s probably preoccupied about his upcoming surgery,” not “I’m boring him. I’m inept.”
Rules don’t necessarily apply, because much in social interaction depends upon the personalities of the individuals involved. Plus the office party doesn’t stand alone; it’s related to what’s been going on in the office all years.
Lower your rheostat. Because it’s a moderately stressful occasion for all concerned, and they’re in different states of, um, consciousness, let a lot of what goes on slip past. Lower that threshold that judges and reacts and manage those emotions!
Reality Check: You are all filling air time, trying to connect, and attempting to have a good time at a command performance with a group of people you wouldn’t necessarily choose to associate with given free will, while coping with whatever extra demands the holidays have brought into your life. In other words, folks not at their best, not in the best of circumstances.
If you’re accepting of others’faux pas, well, what comes around goes around. People react differently to stress. One person may start bragging, another may talk about family problems, another may try humor that misses the mark. Carry on!
Now, in order to make this less of an ordeal next year, do these things:
Good luck!
Susan Dunn, The EQ Coach(tm)
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