In the new hit movie, “Anger Management”, the therapist, played by Jack Nicholson, repeatedly infuriates Adam Sandler’s character, Dave. His techniques are unorthodox, as well as mean and insensitive. Nevertheless, by the end of the movie you are supposed to believe that these were justified, because poor Dave has been stifling his anger too long, and he needs to get it out.
This movie is an unrealistic portrayal, not only of what causes anger, but also of what works best in terms of dealing with it. First of all, anger does not necessarily build up and back up in your system like a clogged sewer, as the movie implies. Some people hold onto anger for years, as Dave did, but many others just let things go without any bad consequences. For them the anger is not sitting there waiting to be unleashed.
As the movie, “Anger Management” opens, it shows Dave as a young boy being humiliated by a bully. Later, Dave as an adult is encouraged to seek out the bully and get his revenge, after which he will supposedly be free to express himself forever after.
That’s not how anger management works in the real world. Getting angry is not typically solved by getting even. In fact, research shows that yelling, screaming, hitting, planning revenge, etc. all actually INCREASE your anger level rather than reduce it.
It is more productive to step back, take a look at your situation, and then rationally decide what you’re going to do about it. Sometimes you may decide that it’s not worth your energy, especially for temporary annoyances such as traffic or waiting in line. At such times deciding that you’re not going to let the situation get to you is far more effective than expressing your anger.
Here are some real-world tips for anger management:
* Calm yourself down physically. Take a few slow deep breaths, counting to 4 for each inhale and exhale. (The counting keeps your mind off what’s bugging you.)
* Ask yourself if this is going to matter in a week . . . or even in an hour. This will put your so-called problem into perspective.
* Assume you have a dollar’s worth of energy today. Do you want to spend half of it on this incident? Or can you think of better ways to spend your energy?
* Imagine that there’s a little “inner brat” that lives in the back of your mind. This inner brat loses its temper over nothing. Do you really want to be controlled by this inner brat?
* Examine your assumptions. Are you upset because someone did not behave the way you expected them to? This is an irrational assumption. There is no law that says people have to conform to your expectations. In fact, you might as well assume that they won’t.
* Some people are jerks. Console yourself in the knowledge that the “jerkiest” ones reveal a lot more about themselves than about you when they behave badly.
* Say to yourself out loud, “I choose to let this go.” Notice the feeling of relief when you consciously let go of your anger.
Pauline Wallin, Ph.D. is a psychologist in Camp Hill, PA, and author of
“Taming Your Inner Brat: A Guide for Transforming Self-defeating
Behavior” (Beyond Words Publishing, 2001)
Visit http://www.innerbrat.com for more information, and subscribe to
her free, monthly Inner Brat Newsletter.
