Hi Susan
I have a question ( three actually) regarding EQ. Are we born with predetermined levels of EQ, can they be changed after we become adults, if so what is the evidence? This is a question that often comes up in discussion on the subject of EQ.
Thank you for the opportunity to have this question answered.
Dan T.
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Dear Dan T.,
Thanks for writing. I’m excited to hear you’re having discussions about EQ! Keep spreading the word.
To answer your questions, it’s believed that IQ is fixed at birth (though I’ve read research recently saying it can be affected in the first year or two of life), but EQ is not fixed. EQ can be learned.
I’ve seen people learn, as adults, how to be flexible, for instance, or creative, or to get in touch with their intuition, all EQ competencies. Some people, however, are not able to improve. For instance, those who have Asperger’s Syndrome, and are unable to intuit the rules of social interaction. Other forms of illness or brain damage can also apply.
Some people take a quantum leap when a crisis occurs. That’s why we call such experiences “transforming,” or “life changing.” Many people decided to live their lives in an emotionally different way after 9-11, for instance.
Research shows that on average our EQ naturally increases until the age of about 50. It’s otherwise known as “maturity.” Life experiences, if we’re willing to learn from them, give us opportunities to grow in interpersonal skills, creativity, personal power, and so forth. An example of this would be the two year old who screams when he doesn’t get what he wants immediately. Well, life teaches us a little patience in regard to our wants and desires. Or consider the teenager who wants to “get rich” but doesn’t want to work, or go to college, or learn a trade. There’s Intentionality missing there, the ability to think and plan ahead, to delay gratification, to see cause and effect, to be an agent in one’s own life.
One EQ competency is Resilience – bouncing back from the failures, losses and defeats which are part of life for all of us. Think about how you learned Resilience in your life. I always say, “The good news is Resilience can be learned. The bad news is, you learn it by going through hard times.” (And you can change the “good” and the “bad” there.) But bear in mind, some people don’t process adversity in a way that builds Resilience. They become bitter, cynical and pessimistic instead. What makes the difference? Some knowledge of EQ, spiritual faith, therapy, a loving companion, or maybe a Dad who quotes Shakespeare to you, as mine did: “Sweet are the uses of adversity, which like the toad, ugly and venemous, wears yet a precious jewel in his head…”
According to Reuven Bar-on, Ph.D., re:his research: “We have discovered that older people are generally able to cope better with environmental demands and pressures than younger people. Moreover, older people are particularly more independent in their thinking and actions, more aware of others’ feelings, more socially responsible, more adaptable, better at sizing up the immediate situation and solving problems, and able to manage stress better than younger people.”
Studying EQ and working with an EQ coach can accelerate the process, remarkably in some cases. And natural improvement with age is not a given. For instance, if we are rigid (our minds are closed and we will not consider other ways of doing things or of “being” no matter that they aren’t working for us), or have the “victim” mentality (blaming everyone and everything else), then there will be no development.
For evidence, I direct you to the research of Dr. Reuven Bar-on ( http://eqi.mhs.com/press4.htm ), and also to the research on www.eiconsortium.org http://www.eiconsortium.org>, as well as testimonials on my website. The fact that 80% of the things that bring us success in life are not related to IQ is becoming a fact that’s hard to ignore. There are also many facts in my ebook, “Living with Emotional Intelligence(c),” and in The EQ Foundation Course(c).
Warm regards, Susan Dunn, The EQ Coach(tm)
Susan Dunn, MA, Marketing Coach,
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