Just when you thought Google had settled on their business model and secured their place in the search engine industry, they go introduce a new item. This newest product, called Google Gulp may wind up leaking Google’s domination into the sports drink industry.
A description from Google about their new drink states:
At Google our mission is to organize the world’s information and make it useful and accessible to our users. But any piece of information’s usefulness derives, to a depressing degree, from the cognitive ability of the user who’s using it. That’s why we’re pleased to announce Google Gulp (BETA) with Auto-Drink (LIMITED RELEASE), a line of “smart drinks” designed to maximize your surfing efficiency by making you more intelligent, and less thirsty.
Google Gulp introduces 4 exciting flavors designed to quench your thirst, while “slamming a truckload of electrolytic neurotransmitter smart-drug stimulants past the blood-brain barrier to achieve maximum optimization of your soon-to-be-grateful cerebral cortex.”
Glutamate Grape
Why drink plain grape juice when you can stimulate your ionotropic and metabotropic receptors and groove to a sugar high? Enhancing your learning and memory functions never sounded sweeter. (Note: excessive amounts of glutamate can cause neuronal damage, so drink responsibly.)
Sugar-Free Radical
Will this antioxidant-rich, low-cal beverage keep you young forever? The results of studies to date haven’t been definitive, but hey, if you stay thin enough, you’ll look good whether or not the theory of free radicals turns out to be correct.
Beta Carroty
Want to be healthy without actually going so far as to eat (shudder) vegetables? Get your daily pick-me-up dose of cancer-fighting carotenoids with this smooth, not all chalky morning smoothie.
Sero-Tonic Water
Just try to stay down once your synapses get a blast of this bubbly concoction whose refreshing blend of selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors is perfect for those moments when all your other beverage options just seem soooo depressing.
Google also includes a privacy statement, just in case anyone has a unpleasant experience with any of the Google Gulp products, which says:
Google Gulp and Your Privacy
From time to time, in order to improve Google Gulp’s usefulness for our users, Google Gulp will send packets of data related to your usage of this product from a wireless transmitter embedded in the base of your Google Gulp bottle to the GulpPlex, a heavily guarded, massively parallel server farm whose location is known only to Eric Schmidt, who carries its GPS coordinates on a 64-bit-encrypted smart card locked in a stainless-steel briefcase handcuffed to his right wrist. No personally identifiable information of any kind related to your consumption of Google Gulp or any other current or future Google Foods product will ever be given, sold, bartered, auctioned off, tossed into a late-night poker pot, or otherwise transferred in any way to any untrustworthy third party, ever, we swear. See our Privacy Policy.
In order to get your Google Gulp drink, just turn in a bottle cap from a recently consumed Google Gulp to any of your local retailers and they will exchange a fresh bottle for the used cap. If you don’t have a Google Gulp cap to trade in, ask a friend for theirs.
Update: We at murdok realize this is an April Fool’s Day joke. Unfortunatley, some of readers think we think this is real. WE DO NOT. Happy April Fool’s Day.
Chris Richardson is a search engine writer and editor for Murdok. Visit Murdok for the latest search news.
