“I learned that it’s hard to reach a destination when you’re unsure of the destination and merely flipping a coin at every intersection,” Marie told me. The turning point in her life was when she learned which of her dreams were hers, and which she’d assumed from others.
“How do you recognize what’s your true dream and what is the dream that you are dreaming for other people to love you? The difference is very easy to understand. If you enjoy the process, it’s your dream. If you are enduring the process, just desperate for the result, it’s somebody else’s dream.” ~Salma Havek, in O: The Oprah Magazine.
“This particular [quote] hit me very sharply for personal reasons,” writes Marie. “I thought I’d share my reaction with you, because public speakers are frequently looking for anecdotes that can strike a universal chord. She continues, “My mother was a special education teacher for as long as I can remember, and she was particularly exceptional at it. While I was growing up, I saw her working in a career she truly enjoyed and found satisfying which used her talents.
“At the same time, I found I had talents for writing, history, and communication. It seemed like the most natural thing in the world to decide I wanted to teach English-and perhaps history. I also assumed my parents wanted me to be a teacher, because they very much wanted me to go to college. That marked three enormous assumptions, the first being that teaching was the only way to use my talents, the second being that I wanted to teach, and the third being that my parents wanted me to teach.
“Fast forward six years after my high school graduation. One semester shy of earning my degree, I’d sunk tens of thousands of dollars into the university for a degree in a field I didn’t truly want to work in. I also had to drop out due to illnesses directly related to the strain of marching towards a goal I didn’t want under the imagined assumption I was doing precisely what my parents wanted.
“After my divorce, I had talks with my parents that many children never get around to. Granted, we’re a remarkable family, but those talks were amazing. What did they want for me? My happiness, a happiness that would last even on days when I couldn’t run for it like a greyhound at the races. Nothing more than that, and not one iota less.
“I talked with my friends. Discussions of “mating preferences” had never really sat well with me. Creating a “profile” of who I would date seemed almost cruel, because it implied I would just disregard certain living human beings just based on my ideas of right and wrong. It smacked of bias, judgementalism and cruelty. After a divorce, though, deciding what I wanted and setting some standards sounded less cruel and more kind. Why waste others’ time, and why set myself up for unhappiness?
“I sat down with my journal, and I tried to make a list of who I wanted to share my life with. Then, a few days later, I sat down and tried to make a list of what I wanted to be, and what sort of life I wanted to live. That sounds awfully simply and obvious, but I haven’t met that many people who made those sorts of decisions consciously and then implemented them.
“I learned which of my dreams were mine, and which I’d assumed from others. Almost exactly one year after making that list, I met a person who is the most fulfilling companion I could have asked for. We plan to be married, but that’s almost a footnote to the relationship we’ve built together. My career actually satisfies my intellectual goals and is steadily growing to be financially successful. I learned that it’s hard to reach a destination when you’re unsure of the destination and merely flipping a coin at every intersection.”
How are YOU doing on the process? Whose dream is living you? It won’t work unless its yours.
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